What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 03:08
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When she asked me how she looked .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We all went to grammer schools
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was 9 years of age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He knew the spot.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Who then, do I blame.?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I write beautiful poetry .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My family never makes their pension either.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im still living with it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
All the time i was locked up.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
I have no regrets .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I think the readers, may guess!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i do to all so called friends.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She married twice! .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
What did i know ?
But, we were locked up after school.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She wouldn,t have been !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Was to survive, this bastard.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I don,t even have a pension.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I will be 64.
We were not on the streets..
My life is so biszare .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Ive learnt so much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
So, i spoilt her more .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!